If you won’t give us Uber I demand a monorail

The Birmingham City Council is once again saying that we might get to enter 2012 and have the ability to use the internet to get a ride somewhere. Our fearless City Council President Jonathan Austin has bestowed upon us hope in this regard. Unfortunately, while he hopes right along with us, he also lays out all of the reasons we can’t have Uber.

While I agree with Jonathan Austin, I disagree with Jonathan Austin-from-later-in-the-same-damn-editorial. So I thought I’d come up with an alternative solution- give us a monorail.

I don’t care where it goes. I don’t care if it just circles Carraway in an endless loop of sadness. I just want a monorail. But just like Mr. Austin, let’s talk about how great both these options are, and then do absolutely nothing.

Uber pros

  1. It’s allegedly cheap. I wouldn’t know because I live in Birmingham
  2. It will take more drunk people off the road. Having a kid means every time a car comes within 5 feet of your vehicle you assume it’s a drunk methhead.
  3. It will most likely actually show up, unlike literally every time I tried to call a taxi in the city.
  4. It will allow me to ride in different vehicles. I love riding in other cars!
  5. I want to hear my mom pronounce it “yoobar” when she asks me what it is.
  6. It will be an easy way to be an underpaid disappointment to your family.
  7. Nothing bad will ever happen.


Monorail pros

  1. It’s a goddamned monorail.



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