Trader Joe’s preparedness guide

As I write this, it is Trader Joe’s Eve, the night before Birmingham enters the world stage of Places That Have a Trader Joe’s.

Due to my extensive travels across the world, I am the only person in Birmingham who has already been in a Trader Joe’s, so I think it’s important you read this before you enter.

  1. Trader Joe’s is a grocery store.
  2. They have a bunch of brands you’ve never heard of.
  3. Their beer and wine are pretty good.
  4. Due to the season, everything in the store will be pumpkin flavored tomorrow.
  5. Try not to gawk at the workers tomorrow. They are just like you, thankful that Birmingham is now relevant.
  6. Be on the lookout for Whole Foods agents looking for trouble. They will not take kindly to this intrusion on their territory.
  7. Trader Joe’s, despite its name, frowns upon anyone attempting to use the barter system.
  8. Trader Joe’s being near the Apple store will create a maelstrom of parking cacophony that you have never seen, son. Hunker down.
  9. Lo for the Trader appeared, and upon his back was a map of the meatball lands. “I bear witness unto you, accept my kind and soon shall Ikea come. And Ikea shall bring many gifts, but you must assemble them all yourselves.”
  10. Seriously, if we’re getting a Trader Joe’s, where the hell is my Ikea?



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