There are a ton of shows coming up in Birmingham, and I don’t want to go to any of them. Here’s a sampling and the reason why I’m not going.
The Beach Boys / Swingin Medallions 10/17 Tuscaloosa Amphitheater– Because instead I’ll just listen to Pet Sounds. Goddamn I love Pet Sounds.
Natalie Merchant 10/18 Alys Stephens Center– Because this is not the mid 90’s and I’m not trying to impress a girl.
Mingo Fishtrap 10/23 Workplay– What in the holy fuck is a Mingo Fishtrap? I don’t trust it and I won’t investigate. All the band names are now taken, by the way.
England in 1819/ In Snow / Balcony View 10/28 The Nick– Because this is a Monday night show at the Nick and I have a job. They say the show starts at 9 pm. Lies. Also, the names of the bands could be a description of a John Constable painting. I just spent 5 minutes finding a English landscape painter from the early 19th century on Wikipedia, by the way.
Death Valley Wreckers 11/15 Tin Roof– Ok. Here’s the description of this band playing at Tin Roof. This is copied from the Tin Roof website.
Death Valley Wreckers: Eagles, Alabama, Maroon 5, Fun, Eric Church, Florida-Georgia Line, Steve Miller Band, Toto, Journey, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Stevie Wonder, Marshall Tucker, Eli Young, Zac Brown Band, Keith Urban, The Lumineers, Brian Adams, Bon Jovi, Kid Rock, Doobie Brothers, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Don Henley, Jimmy Buffet, Little River Band, Pink, Rolling Stones, Stevie Ray Vaughan, The Outfield, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Lady Antebellum, Daniel Powter, Howie Day, Elton John, Kansas, Whitesnake, ACDC, John Melloncamp, Eric Clapton, Violent Femmes, Cheap Trick, Led Zepplin, Prince, Dobie Gray, Switchfoot, Train, Needtobreathe, Bellamy Brothers, Joe Walsh, Kings of Leon, Waylon Jennings, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Billy Joel, Everclear, Old Crow Medicine Show, Vince Gill, The Police, Coldplay, Ray laMountagne, Uncle Kracker, Travis Tritt, Kenny Rogers, Blake Shelton, John Denver, Randy Newman, Michael Buble, Jason Aldean, Steeley Dan and so on. And so on. And so on… You get the point!
So I should probably go to this show, because the Death Valley Wreckers REPRESENT THE CULMINATION OF ALL MUSIC EVER CREATED*
*Including Uncle Kracker
Bottletree’s 7-Year Anniversary Twin Peaks Prom with Futurebirds / Blank Range / Church Shoes 11/16 Bottletree– I’m not going to this show because it’s the 7th Anniversary of Bottletree. Do you know how old that makes me feel? That means when we stumbled into this weird, BYOB storefront in Avondale and got completely trashed and lost a cooler SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. I can’t handle that.
The Eagles 11/18 BJCC– The cheap tickets to see The Eagles are $68. Who are you people that have $154 for tickets to The Eagles? Do you want to sponsor a website that makes fun of you? I know a guy…
Jason Isbell with Sturgill Simpson 12/13 Iron City– Because everyone I follow on twitter will be at this show and document each song, utterance, and blink of Jason Isbell. I’ve got to say some dude named Sturgill Simpson is intriguing. I would like to be his friend, so I could introduce him. “This is my friend STURGILL. Yes, that’s his name. Stuhr-JILL. It’s a family name.” According to Iron City, Sturgill’s “authenticity stands out like an island of hope in a sea of tacky”. You and me both, Sturge. You and me both.
Pink 12/13 BJCC– Nope.
Jay-Z 12/28 BJCC– Because Yeezus is better than Magna Carta Holy Grail. I gotta make a stand somewhere.