So we had a website for 3-ish years. It was called bham.fm. Life got in the way and we let it drop. Part of the problem was that the stupid .fm is from Federated States of Micronesia, and the Micronesians like their scratch. Do you know how much it costs to maintain a .fm domain? $80 a year. So at some point, when we decided to move on, I said that paying $80 a year was simply ridiculous and spent that on beer. Little did I know someone else was watching, waiting.
Meanwhile, across the pond, forces were gathering. Forces I couldn’t possibly understand.
Meet Toby. His style consists
of mellow jazz and showtunes ideal for background jazz at weddings and formal occasions. He is also the enemy. If your venue doesn’t have a piano, Toby is happy to bring a keyboard and amplifier at no extra cost. He’ll also rip your heart out and leave it laying on a Micronesian beach.
Because Toby is the only person mentioned on the new Bham.FM. A site dedicated to hiring the best wedding and function bands in Birmingham, England. There’s one dude on it. Named Toby.
But he is not alone. Let’s meet the nameless, faceless abyss of Jazz Report.
Look at them. So perfectly blank. So immune to my eyes. STARE AT ME, JAZZ REPORT. SHOW ME YOUR FACES. The band’s repertoire covers everything from jazz standards to show tunes and big band favourites. They also like to steal my website and make me rename it and not show up in Google search. Score one for ol’ Brum, you sons of bitches.
What’s that you say? Would you like to form a function band? Would you like some generic tips? Well don’t worry, Bham.fm has you covered.
I did say there weren’t any other bands on Bham.FM. And that is true. But there are these three pictures on the homepage, but of course the links take you away to another website. But don’t think for a second they get out of this unscathed. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR, STOCK PHOTOS.
LOOK AT ME I’M PLAYING PIANO AT YOUR WEDDING AND MY FRIEND IS GOING THROUGH SOME TOUGH TIMES SO I TOLD HIM HE COULD SIT HERE AND STARE AT ME.
I BROUGHT AN OLD MICROPHONE AND PUT ON THIS SEPIA BODYPAINT. I ALSO HAVE GIANT HANDS.
You know, whatever guys. You’re cool. Wait, is that guy twirling a drumstick? GO TO HELL YOU LIMEY BASTARDS GIVE ME BACK MY DAMN WEBSITE.
Ok. I’m alright. It’s all good. I hope you like BHAMFM.com. I’m going to own this domain until the great turtle that holds the world aloft decides to finally stop carrying us through the cosmos. Currently, based on my projections, that’s sometime in 2015.
P.S. Fuck you, Toby. I know what you did.